A Nuisance

"No," the kyuubi repeated for the thousandth time.

"What about: DO-IT-BEFORE-I-KILL-YOU?!!!" Madara stood from his seat on a rock and roared.

The kyuubi sighed and stood, "No. I think I've had enough for today, Madara. Perhaps you can get it tomorrow."

Madara heaved an aggravated sigh and grunted, sitting back down on his rock. "I will guess that command word, Kyuubi, and when I do I'm going to destroy Konoha!!" he shook his fist at the beast as it turned to leave.

"Of course, Uchiha-san. That's what you've been saying ever since you found out how to summon me. Good-bye then," the kyuubi leapt into the air and vanished into nothing.

Uchiha Madara had left Konoha when his arch enemy, and best friend, Hashirama, had been appointed as Hokage instead of him. Not long after his departure had he mastered the Uchiha art of summoning the nine-tailed demon fox. But, unbeknown to him, simply summoning the fox was not enough. For months, he had been trying to guess the secret command word that would allow him to gain control of the kyuubi but he had been quite unsuccessful.

"Ugh... oh well. I'll just keep causing chaos until I figure it out," Madara grumbled and heaved himself up again. He often ventured to Konoha to stir up trouble after failing the guessing game. Even little setbacks can be detrimental to a society if they come in decent quantities and regular intervals.

He disguised himself and passed through the gates to Konoha. He glared under the hood of his cloak. The smiling, laughing people made him sick at heart. This village is a lie. They're all living lies and they don't even know it... or else they don't care. Where is the noble warrior to go if the world finds peace? To hell, that's where! Peace will bring nothing but weakness. The strong will have no place anymore. Maybe the command word is strong... no I already guessed that. He strode up to a nearby ramen shop and sat down.  

"How do you do, Sir? What can I get you?" the ramen man bounced over to take his order.

"The Miso," Madara kept his eyes covered by the cloak, and made his voice rough.

"Ah, good choice! I'll get that for you right away!"

Madara sat, hunched, waiting for his meal. And now meals are purchased and prepared off of the streets. We used to hunt our own food and prepare it ourselves over an open fire. This will breed nothing but laziness. Maybe the command word is lazy... no I guessed that too.

"Here you are! Enjoy," the chef smiled and left him to eat.

Madara snapped his chopsticks with only one hand and began to devour the savory noodles. Even though these noodles are better than any I could've ever made... maybe it's noodles? Does the kyuubi like Ramen? Madara slurped up the last bit.

"That'll be *300yen," the chef smiled as he stood right in front of him.

"You know, Sir, I noticed the most peculiar thing about this particular recipe," Madara brought a fist under his chin and crossed his other arm over his stomach to rest his elbow on the wrist.

"P-peculiar? How so?"

"Well, it just seems to me, that I've had this exact dish somewhere else. Did it not say on the menu that this was a special family recipe?"

"Yes, it did! There's no way anyone else could've duplicated it without stealing my recipe," the man chuckled.

"Is that so? But it seems to me that I had this exact dish at the Ichiraku Ramen shop, just down the way. As a matter of fact I know I did," Madara wagged his finger in his decisiveness.

"What?!" the chef's mouth fell open. Madara nodded deeply. "But that's-- I knew I couldn't trust those people!"

"Oh? Perhaps you should take it up with them. They did look like a squirrelly bunch, now that I think about it," Madara stood from his chair.

"Those pesky, insolent, vile, cheap, swindling, boot-licking--! Thank you for telling me, Sir. I'm going to give them a piece of my mind right away!" the man began angrily removing his chef's wear and putting on his hat and coat.

"Oh yes, simply doing my civic duty, my good man," Madara casually left the ramen shop without paying his bill. Fool.

Carrying on his way down the street, he soon ran into a woman carrying boxes and boxes of candy. She seamed to be struggling so Madara decided to 'help her out'. "Excuse me, Miss. That seems like quite a load there. How about I take some of that for you?" Madara reached out to take two of the carts blocking her vision.

"Oh, thank you so much, Sir! That would be so helpful," she smiled as he relieved her of half of the weight.

"Where are we bringing these?"

"Oh, right this way, just follow me," the young woman said and lead him down the street.

Well, well, well I even get a nice view during my little walk. Madara's eyes were cast low as he followed behind the woman. Then balancing the crates in one arm, he retracted the other arm from his sleeve and into his cloak. He grabbed a pouch that was tied around his waist and slid a kunai from it's holster. Bringing the arm back out, he removed a plank from bottom of the lower crate and let the candy spill into the bag. "My, do you do this often? Seems like quite a lot of work for such a beautiful young woman, such as yourself," Madara flattered as he tried to hide the sound of removing the plank and the spilling candy.

"Oh, only about once a week. We take this candy to the orphanages so the little ones have something sweet to snack on during story time," she kept her focus on the road ahead.

"How kind of you! I'm sure they really appreciate it," Madara once again balanced the carts. He replaced the kunai and retied the bag and the plank to his belt after all the candy from the bottom cart was drained.

"Here we are! I'll go ahead and take those carts in. Thank you so much for your help!" She turned to him and smiled sweetly.

"Alright!" Madara placed the two carts on top again. "Well, tell the kids Omizuro Ryuken wishes them the best, and have a nice day."

"You too, Sir!" she turned and walked quickly into the building.

Madara continued his walk with a little grin. He made his way a little farther across town, flipping open/closed signs around, when he spotted a box on the side of the road that was labeled 'Free Kittens'. "Hm?" Madara looked into the box to see six little kittens, each with a colored ribbon on its neck. Looking around, he picked up the box and walked off with it. He carried the box to the local fish market. Slowly and cautiously he began slipping the kittens into the fish without being noticed. The kittens were obviously hungry and began devouring the fish immediately.

After tearing the 'Free' off of the box and throwing the rest away, he watched the kittens inhale the fish. One by one, people began noticing the bites and pieces missing from their fish and complained. The angry customers swamped the poor sales clerk and her managers. Madara snickered at his little trick and continued on his way. I wonder if the command word is fish or cat. He looked around as he walked. Now what? I need something slightly more amusing. Madara's eyes scanned for any potential mischief. Got it.

Not too far away, a man's cart had broken it's axle and just a bit further down the road was a man selling fruit. Madara quickly made his way to the broken cart. "Excuse me, Sir, it seems you could use some help fixing that axle!" Madara called to the man on the other side of the cart.

"Oh, yes, thank you. Finally, someone who knows what he's doing!" the brown haired man jerked his hands toward him.

"Heh well, lemme just take a look," Madara stooped to look at the damage. "Hmm... do you have some rope?"

"Yeah, only a few feet."

"That'll do. We'll need some help to hold the cart up, though. Hold on one second," Madara stood and walked over to the man selling fruit. "Excuse me, could you help us out really quick? This gentleman's cart seems to have a broken axle and we just need some help holding it up. It'll only take a second."

"Hm? Oh, I suppose so," the bald man stood and moved to go toward the cart.

As soon as the man turned his back, Madara placed the piece of box that said 'Free' on top of his produce, then followed swiftly behind. "Alright, now if you grab that corner and pull and you grab this other corner and pull, I'll be able to slip underneath and tie this board securely to the axle and have you up and running again," Madara commanded the two men as he pulled the plank from his cloak.

"What're you doing with that in your cloak?" the bald man asked.

"Well, I have a bad back these days and I find it helps me with my posture," Madara lied. "Alright now, up we go!" the men heaved the cart up and Madara grabbed the rope and slid underneath. He repositioned the ends of the axle together and placed the board over them. Taking the rope, he tied it securely to the axle to hold it in place. This was a trick he learned while fixing supply carts for his mobilized forces during his days as the Uchiha Clan leader. The golden days before he was slandered and denied his place as hokage. He slipped a kunai out of his sleeve and frayed a bit of the rope. Maybe the command word is gullible. It would hold for half an hour at best. "Ok, I'm all done, you can let go!" Madara slipped back out from under the cart. "Good as new," he smiled.

"Oh thank you so much, Sir! How can I ever repay you?" the cart man shook his hand.

"No, no. There's no need to repay me, just take good care of yourself," Madara released the guy's hand and turned back to the fruit salesmen. "Thanks for your help, Sir! Couldn't have done it without you!"

"Glad I could be of some assistance," the large man smiled and turned back to his fruit as the cart took off. Madara quickly walked away and slipped into an ally as he heard the salesman shout angrily. All of the fruit had been taken by passersby that had seen the 'free' sign Madara had planted.

The Uchiha chuckled to himself as he made his way back over to the other side of town. After almost an hour, he passed by the Ichiraku Ramen shop and smiled seeing the other Ramen shop owner still yelling at them. His smile doubled in size seeing the cart he had fixed earlier broken down again just a little ways up the street. He continued walking until he came to the orphanage.

Well, well. Seems like there wasn't enough candy for everyone this time. I wonder if that's the command word. Madara spotted a sad little boy drawing a picture of a piece of candy outside. This'll be good. Madara took a lollipop from the bag at his belt. He snuck over to the gate and waved the candy just beyond the walls. The boy noticed the candy and immediately got up to get it.

The boy came close and tried to grab it, but the candy retreated around the wall. The boy followed quickly but the lollipop was nowhere in sight. Then, from the corner of his eye, he saw the delicacy waving from behind another corner. This time he ran to it, but only for it to disappear again. He chased the lollipop doggedly through the streets.

The boy was about to give up when suddenly, he turned a corner and his sweet was lying right there on the ground. He jumped to it and picked it up, wiping the dirt from the wrapper. But before turning back, he spotted another candy not too far ahead of him.
Then another one and another one and another one.

Madara had successfully put the guards to sleep at the front gates. He placed the candies at regular intervals and the child followed single-mindedly. Slowly, he lead the boy deep into the forest outside of Konoha. That stupid kid will never find his way back. Maybe the command word is idiot. Madara snickered and teleported back to Konoha.

Looks like that fruit guy is going out of business. Madara sighed in boredom. I think I'm done here... but then again, the jobs never satisfying unless you light something on fire. Maybe its... no wait, I already guessed that. Oh well, this ought to be fun. Madara walked over to a tree with a low hanging branch. He broke off a good sized piece and lit it up. Then, holding it out, he ran through the streets setting things (and people) on fire. The wood and clothing burst into flame.

Madara watched the flames come to life, feasting on the life of the buildings, carts, and people. Beautiful. Absolutely Beautiful. This is truly the part that makes my being here worth while. But the Uchiha's smile faded quickly, warping into a scowl as waves of water began dowsing the fire. His narrowed eyes quickly found the culprits: Hashirama and Tobirama Senju. Madara grunted in disgust. Well, I guess that means playtimes over. Time to go home. Madara turned and started walking towards the gate.

"How did I know I would find you here?" a playful but deep voice flooded his senses as his hood was removed. Madara stopped in his tracks staring straight ahead with a 'screw the world' expression. "Having fun again, Madara?"

"Yup. You got me, Hashirama," Madara's eyes shifted to the Senju's direction. His tone was flat.

Hashirama put his arm around his friend's shoulders and walked with him. "I'm beginning to wonder if you'll ever guess that command word. It's been months already."

"You don't think I know that?" Madara sighed. "I'm beginning to wonder if that damn fox changes it everyday."

"Or if there's one at all."

Madara rolled his eyes and huffed. "I'll keep working on it..."

"Ok, well, while you're thinking, could you not destroy my village? Please? I really don't appreciate having to clean up your mess everyday."

"Not a chance. We may be friends but I'm still your enemy and I hate this village. I'll figure out the command word soon and kill you," Madara took a very casual tone.

"I trust you. But the thing is, the rest of the village just sees you as a nuisance. It's getting a little old trying to explain to them why I haven't gotten rid of you yet. They don't appreciate our friendship," Hashirama used his hands to try to give more meaning to his words.

"No one appreciates our friendship but us. That's part of being enemies at the same time. Even your brother hates me. He's following us and trying to drill holes into me with his eyes. Eyes that don't possess a special kekkei genkai that could actually do it."

Hashirama laughed. "Yes, we're all well aware that we do not possess the sharingan, Your Greatness."

"You should be jealous. You know, if you were to kill me and take my eyes, you could have the greatest power on earth."

"But then again, if I can kill you, then it isn't really the greatest power on earth, is it?"

"That's why I'm going to win our final battle, Hashirama," Madara looked to his friend then back to the road ahead.

"You'll have to work for it. We'll see if that sharingan of yours can own up to its fanfare."

"Hmph..."

"Madara, could you do me a favor?" Madara looked to Hashirama. "Look around. Do you see these faces? Those expressions that detest my very speaking with you?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"I'd really like to change those expressions to happy, satisfied expressions. Think you could help me do that, please?"

"I'm already leaving. That's the best you're going to get," the two stopped at the gates.

"Oh, that's lovely: You knocked out my guards," Hashirama looked over the sleeping guards.

"Oh yeah, and there's a kid lost somewhere in the forest. Have fun with that. But don't worry, he's just an orphan, so he won't be missed if you can't find him."

"Oh, how considerate of you," Hashirama sweatdropped.

Tobirama caught up to them, "You what?! Ugh! Nothing but trouble!" He glared at Madara then stormed through the gates to search for the child lost in the woods.  "Hashi-nii, you need new friends!" he called back.

"Thank you, Tobi!" Hashirama smiled.

Madara spun to glare at Tobirama's back as he headed to the forest. I should kill him for that.

"Don't mind him, Madara. He hasn't been having a very good day."

"Hmph... right," Madara turned back to face Hashirama. "Oh well. I guess I'll see you tomorrow, then." Hashirama nodded in response. "See ya."

"Good-bye!" Hashirama smiled then hurried off to help Tobirama in his search.

Madara trekked back to his place. It was a small cottage hidden a distance away from Konoha in the trees. The kyuubi was curled around the house, sleeping. "Kyuubi! How am I supposed to get in my house with your fat tails in the way of the door?!" Madara shouted at it.

The kyuubi stirred and looked at him. "I don't listen to anyone who doesn't know the command word."

Madara groaned and rolled his eyes. "Is it crimson tears?"

"No."

"Blood soaked earth?"

"No."

"Cat?"

"No."

"INSTA-KILL?"

"No."

"Raven?"

"No."

"Noodles?"

"No."

"Hawk?"

"No."

"Tobi?"

"No."

"Fish?"

"No."

"Candy?"

"No."

"Idiot?"

"No."

"Fire ants?"

"No... at this rate you'll never guess it."

Madara was getting angry. "Oh PL-EASE!--"

The kyuubi's head shot up, "Master"

"Don't gimme that crap! And when I wanna-- wait... what did you just say?" Madara blinked.

"Anything you say, Master," the kyuubi dipped it's head respectfully.

"Master? Wait... what about the command word?" Madara was confused.

"You said it, Master."

"I did? What was it?"

"'Please'."